Back

I know I have not written in awhile but things have been crazy in my life. With DH gone for work out of state thing began to spin slowly out of control. I began to feel lost and wasn’t sure where things were going anymore. We ended up taking a break from DD.

I have learned from the last few months that when you are made to submissive
(whether it is a deep desire rarely spoken of or something that anyone can see) when you begin to deny those feelings things will begin to spin faster and faster out of control. Things got worse and worse between until we began to wonder if it was over, if we were done.

I am so thankful for two stubborn people who love each other and refuse to give up! We began to talk and to look deeply at what was wrong and how we each were feeling. We realized that when things began to get crazy instead of stopping DD we needed to step it up. We need to become more involved in DD.

I realized that DD is one of those things in my life that I need. It grounds me and allows me to know where I belong. I know what my job is in my world and how to interact with the one I love the most. When we began to lose it I no longer felt secure. I felt like I was losing myself and that caused me to spin wildly out of control. That was because I was losing myself, why I no longer knew where I belonged. Being submissive, is part of how I was born, it is a part of who I am, so when I left it behind, I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was tossing a piece of myself out.

I know now that I can’t change it, I can’t fight it and I won’t be ashamed of it!

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Mini Bootcamp

As those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know, my DH has been gone for a while with work.  This has been a hard time for both of us.  He is home right now for a visit before he has to go back.

I have slipped a lot in my language and my behavior with him gone a lot these last 6 months, so it has been decided that we will be doing a mini boot camp this weekend.  I am expected to obey immediately and not to argue with him.  We did a maintenance spanking last night and again this morning.  I am a bit sore but not to bad.  I’m sure that will change by the end of the day.

I know that I really need this time with him because last night I kept moving out of position even during the first few swats.  This is a huge sign that I am not where I should be in terms of DD.  I did do better this morning though, so maybe I’m not in as bad a place as I first thought.

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Long Distance

Recently DH had to go out of state to find work.  I feel very blessed to have a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to support our family.  So far things have gone well, I’ve just been thinking about submission from a for and what does it mean.  For me it means making sure that I handle things on my end the way that I know he wants them handled.   To take care of the house, bill, children and anything else that comes up the same way that he would.  If I don’t know how to handle then call or text to see ow he wants it done.  In some ways I thinks it’s harder to be submissive this way but in others because he’s not right here I am finding him always on my mind which is making it easier to make decisions the way I know he would want them made.

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Taking A Look

Like almost everyone at this time of year I have been taking an inventor of my life and my goals.  I have found it funny how much I have changed in the last two years.

When we first began DD I had hoped to get to a place that I would no longer need it but I don’t think I will ever reach that place now and  am ok with that.  It’s not that I can’t handle my own life I can and do for the most part.  I do enjoy the structure of DD though and I think I will feel at a loss without it.

I know that can sound odd especially coming from someone like me.  I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself.  J doesn’t micro manage my life or my day nor do I need him to but it is nice to know that there are lines and boundaries.

In 2011 I want to work on organization, emotional stability and focus.  I know that those may sound like broad terms but in my own life I have broken them down even more.

1. Organization

• school work
• house work
• hobbies

2. Emotional stability

• Not always react based upon how I am feeling
• find my triggers and figure out how to control them

3. Hobbies

• Learn to sew
• Learn to knit

So those are the things I want to work on.

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Fascinating Womanhood

So I just got this book today and am really excited about it.  I have been wanting to read this book for awhile now even the subtitle speaks to me, How the Ideal Woman Awakens A Man’s Deepest Love and Tenderness, I love the idea of becoming his ideal woman.  I think as I read this I will be blogging about it quite a bit.  Now, this book is not necessarily CDD related but it is written with the idea of serving and submission.

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CDD and self esteem

So I recently had some comments posted to my blog about how much women like me disgust her.  How every women in a DD relationship has low self esteem and is crazy to allow her self to be abused this way.  A real man would never  agree to something like this and a real woman would never desire something like this.  She also went on to URGE me to go to counseling and to leave my husband.

Now you are probably asking yourself at this point how was I feeling, you know was I upset or maybe angry?  I was none of those things, in fact I found the whole thing quite sad and a little pathetic.  First off to judge me based solely on the fact that I am in a CDD marriage shows me how truly closed minded she is.  I have no problems at all with self esteem and am a very strong and accomplished women in my own right.  I have worked for many campaigns most of which have been successful.  I am well respected and sought after in my community.  I don’t submit because I feel like I am less then him, I submit because I choose to.  In fact I believe it takes a stronger woman to submit then it does to be a woman who fights and feels like they must be in control at all times.

Second I am not abused, very far from it in fact, I am one of the most spoiled women I know.  I am listened to, taken care of, treated like a lady.   I am constantly being bought gifts and my husband makes me one of the top priorities in his life.  He takes me out for dinner, takes me away for weekends, helps with the kids and the house.  He listens to my likes and dislikes and tries his best to keep things within those.  Now, does he also hold me responsible for my behavior?  Yes!  Does that mean I am abused?  They very idea is laughable!

I am spanked wife and I am proud of that.  I am proud that my husband will blister my bottom when needed.  I am Proud that I am married a man that I can’t push around.

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New Paddle

So we got a new paddle this week,  a friend of mine made it and out of respect for the fact that I am a girly girl she painted it pink and placed pretty butterfly’s and ladybugs on it.  I love things that show off I am a girl but this was the first time I have had a paddle that showed it.  It also creates quite a sting.  so whats your favorite implement?

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Rough Day

So yesterday was rough for me.  I got myself into some serious trouble with my mouth.  Then when I didn’t feel like a spanking was deserved I was less than submissive about it.  Of course in the end I was spanked and pretty badly.  I still have welts today.  I am wondering why I have such a hard time submitting when I disagree and it shows me how far I still have to go in learning to submit and for submission to be my first response.  At times I feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to get a handle on this and respond the way I know I should and the way I know that I want to.  Why does this have to be so hard?  I hate this I feel like a failure, why is my first response to fight back and to try to get my own way.  When will I just submit, even if I disagree with what is going on.   We have talked and I have agreed that discipline is when and how he thinks it is needed not when and how I think it is needed and I do fine until I feel like it is not deserved at all then the fight is on.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only woman who struggles with this.  I do know that I will continue to grow and to learn until I get this right.

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Adding a page

I have added a page to the site that lists spanking sites and blogs that I enjoy. Please take a moment to check it out. Also I will be uploading a video from Cali Cutie Spanking within the next few days please take a moment to check it out it is a good example of what a DD marriage looks like. This is a couple who truly love each other.

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Putting ourselves out there

So I was recently having a conversation with a woman who was very upset that I allowed myself to be spanked when I did not follow the rules we had agreed upon before and she couldn’t get off the idea that if he could spank me why couldn’t I spank him? No matter what I said that’s what she kept coming back to. She had these idea that because my husband spanks me he is abusive and mean. That he is demanding and demeans me all the time. I spent quite a bit of time with her and realized that there is more tension and fighting in her marriage then in mine. That they played games with each other and were in a constant power struggle. It made me rethink why do I blog and why do I  run a group dedicated to this subject. I very quickly realized that I do it for women just like her. In hopes of getting them to realize that even though this lifestyle may not make sense it works. It’s healthy, I feel more listened to, cherished, protected,loved,cared for and safe then I ever have before in my life. I know where the boundaries are and I know that I can never push him away that he loves me enough not to allow me to do anything that would damage my self, our family or our marriage. I know that if I even try he will paddle me good and that it’s never worth the brief feeling of having my own way. I have someone in my life who I know if always weighing how there every decision he makes will affect me and always looking out for what is best for me.

So I began to ask her if she felt those ways about her husband and how he felt about her. I asked her how she was treated and she began to share how she feels ignored and neglected how they rarely have sex anymore and that she feels as if he could walk away from her at any minute. My next question was this would you be willing to follow a few rules such as: obedience,respect,honesty… in exchange for feeling all of the things that I feel, for getting rid of a lot of the negativity in your marriage and replacing it with love and respect? She didn’t reply for a while then I got not if it means being spanked.

I felt so sad for her that she would rather live in a miserable marriage then give her will and love over to another knowing that they would look out for you and protect you all because of a sore bottom occasionally.

I left the door open for her to contact me again but I know why I do what I do because there are people out there who need to hear the truth of this lifestyle.

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