Mini Bootcamp

As those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know, my DH has been gone for a while with work.  This has been a hard time for both of us.  He is home right now for a visit before he has to go back.

I have slipped a lot in my language and my behavior with him gone a lot these last 6 months, so it has been decided that we will be doing a mini boot camp this weekend.  I am expected to obey immediately and not to argue with him.  We did a maintenance spanking last night and again this morning.  I am a bit sore but not to bad.  I’m sure that will change by the end of the day.

I know that I really need this time with him because last night I kept moving out of position even during the first few swats.  This is a huge sign that I am not where I should be in terms of DD.  I did do better this morning though, so maybe I’m not in as bad a place as I first thought.

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I Run To You

I love this song by Lady Antebellum

 

This is the most perfect song to describe how I feel about DH.  This morning I was having a rough morning, just every day real life things getting to me and I started crying while he was on the phone.  I try not to do this often because I know it’s hard on him because he is so far away.  Yet he was not upset at all but instead just listened and showed sympathy.

It made me think about all my friends who have “vanilla” marriages and how often I listen to them talk about how alone they feel, and the fact that their husbands are never there for them.   I feel so lucky to have a DD marriage.  I know that no matter what I can always turn to him. I may end up getting spanked because of the way I handle something or the language I use but I would never trade not having spankings in my marriage for their marriages.  I may have boundaries and rules and consequences but I also have unconditional love, safety, security, laughter and so many others things that I don’t see in a lot of “vanilla” marriages.

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Marriage

I love being married.  I know that should be given that if you are married then you love but that’snot always the case.  Let me be a little more specific here.  I love the kind of marriage that I have.  I love the fact that he will hold me accountable for how I behave.  When I was younger, before we were married, I never thought that I would be a submissive woman.  I had bought into the ideas of feminism and female power.  I thought that to be strong I had to be loud and brash.  I believed that I always had to compete with men to prove that I was just as good as they were.  The funny thing is that in my marriage I have learned that womans strength is not if forcing her way upon her husband but in being his support.  In talking to him about her thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful manner.

 

I love knowing that there are boundaries in my marriage and consequences for overstepping them.  I have more freedom inside my DD marriage then I did outside of it.  I know now that I am just as good as any man but that my roles and place in life is different.  I am a strong woman with many dreams and desires both inside and outside of my home but now that I have fully embraced all that it means to be a woman I am at peace.

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2 lives

Sometimes I feel like I am leading 2 different lives.  I have my normal life the one in which I am a mother, wife friend and person and then the one in which we practice DD.  It’s a struggle at times because I wish the two lives really could become more one.  Yet I have to acknowledge the DD or any form of it is not accept at all in mainstream life.  If fact those people that are into S&M seem to get more acceptance then those that believe that a man has the right and the responsibility to discipline his wife.  DD does not define who I am yet when people learn that we practice it their opinion of me changes.  As much as I would love to say forget them, I will do and say whatever I want.  The price to pay is higher then I am willing to pay.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to say I am disciplined without people thinking I am crazy or need counseling.  I want to say I am a Bible believing mom who loves being at home with her kids, loves taking care of her family, has lots of friends, enjoys politics and yes I am disciplined!  That is who I am yet it seems in neither world I can be true to who I am.  Even in the spanking world those of us that maybe don’t do it for sexual pleasure ( though I will admit that there is a sexual side to it) don’t quite fit.  We’re seen as odd here too.  I am all of the things that I have mention and so much more.  So look out because I am here to stay and there are more of us out there then you would think.

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Taking A Look

Like almost everyone at this time of year I have been taking an inventor of my life and my goals.  I have found it funny how much I have changed in the last two years.

When we first began DD I had hoped to get to a place that I would no longer need it but I don’t think I will ever reach that place now and  am ok with that.  It’s not that I can’t handle my own life I can and do for the most part.  I do enjoy the structure of DD though and I think I will feel at a loss without it.

I know that can sound odd especially coming from someone like me.  I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself.  J doesn’t micro manage my life or my day nor do I need him to but it is nice to know that there are lines and boundaries.

In 2011 I want to work on organization, emotional stability and focus.  I know that those may sound like broad terms but in my own life I have broken them down even more.

1. Organization

• school work
• house work
• hobbies

2. Emotional stability

• Not always react based upon how I am feeling
• find my triggers and figure out how to control them

3. Hobbies

• Learn to sew
• Learn to knit

So those are the things I want to work on.

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CDD and kids

So this is a big issue in most households and one with having 3 kids ourselves we have had to deal with.  We are not the kind of couple where we wait until the kids are all out of the house, we have tried and just doesn’t really work for us.  So we have to try and figure out how to do this with children. We have come up with a number of ways and I thought I would share them below.

1. Quite Implements-There are a number of implements that can produce quite a sting with relatively little noise.

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Spanking and the 4 D’s

We practice the 4 D’s in our house.  I will give a brief synopsis for those that have never heard of them.  What it means is that I can be discipline for anything I do that falls within these 4 things

Disrespect

Disobedience

Damaging behavior

Dishonesty

It has really simplified things here in our home as I cannot argue that what I did was right or justify it.  If it can fall within one of the D’s then I can be disciplined for it.  Well for the last few months instead of disciplining according to the 4 D’s it’s been more about me pushing him and then when I have pushed to far he spanks.  We have been discussing this and how frustrated I feel because there are no real clear boundaries.  When I don’t have boundaries then I tend to push to find then line, what this has created in our house is an atmosphere of stress and tension.  So we have decided that each and every time I break a D there will be immediate consequences.

I am hoping that this will reestablish some of the harmony in our house and also get me back on track with my behavior in terms of what is acceptable and what is not.  I will feel safe and more secure knowing that there are rules and boundaries in place and he will no longer feel like I am constantly pushing him.  Now, I know that this very well could mean a sore bottom for the next few days but in spite of that I am still looking forward to the peace and the harmony.

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Rough Day

So yesterday was rough for me.  I got myself into some serious trouble with my mouth.  Then when I didn’t feel like a spanking was deserved I was less than submissive about it.  Of course in the end I was spanked and pretty badly.  I still have welts today.  I am wondering why I have such a hard time submitting when I disagree and it shows me how far I still have to go in learning to submit and for submission to be my first response.  At times I feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to get a handle on this and respond the way I know I should and the way I know that I want to.  Why does this have to be so hard?  I hate this I feel like a failure, why is my first response to fight back and to try to get my own way.  When will I just submit, even if I disagree with what is going on.   We have talked and I have agreed that discipline is when and how he thinks it is needed not when and how I think it is needed and I do fine until I feel like it is not deserved at all then the fight is on.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only woman who struggles with this.  I do know that I will continue to grow and to learn until I get this right.

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Big Mistake

Okay so we have been living this life for a while and you would think I was beyond making the stupid mistakes of someone just beginning this life, but nope not me.  We have a rule that I am not to use my debit card from our joint account or write a check without talking to him first.  Last night I went online and paid a bill out of the joint account without talking to him.  When he asked me about the charge on the card I panicked and lied to him about it. I know I know stupid but I did it.  Why did I panic I’m not sure there could be a number of reasons; 1. I had just gotten a pretty bad spanking the day before and my bottom is still bruised, 2. I’m crazy, 3. I seem to be pushing my boundaries a bit.   It could any or maybe even all of those reasons but none of them is a good excuse for disobedience or dishonest in our house.

Last night after we went to bed I couldn’t sleep well and he even made a comment about the fact that I seemed withdrawn and standoffish.  About 11:00 am my conscious finally got to me and I called him and told him the truth.  I feel better for being honest even though I know I will be getting a pretty intense spanking this evening.  I also had to write him a letter explaining which of the 4D’s I had broken and why.  That was really hard and I really dislike having to do those sorts of things but I know why he has me do them because it reinforces the lesson I will be learning when he gets to paddling my bottom.

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Self Image and spanking

I know I posted about the earlier in my post title Blistered Bottom but I am still struggling with it.  Last night I made and off handed comment to J about not being a good mom and boy did that set him off.  So last night I got paddled for it again.  1. Because he says it’s a lie and in out house lying is a HUGE  No-No and then also because it shows that I don’t trust him to make good decision because he chose to marry me and why would he coose to marry someone who is not a good mother.  Then after he was done lecturing and spanking he kept making me repeat that I am a good mother.

The last few weeks things have been pretty hectic around our house and things have gotten a little out of balance so he told me last night we are going to re establish the balance in our house so I cannot disagree with him for the next week about anything no matter what he says I am to tell him Yes Sir.  This will be hard not that I argue with him a lot but I am use to being able to express my thoughts , feelings and opnions on any given matter.  Yet, at the same time I needed him to re-establish the power exchange in our house and to kind of reign me in as I had notice my tounge was getting sharper and was trying to pull myself in but just couldn’t seem to get a hold on it.

This morning I feel so at peace and secure.  I still am amazed at how this life really does workand how when you do things God’s way with the man running the house with love and care for those he is responsible for it works and things are peaceful and happy.  I need my husband to be strong enough to whip my bottom good.

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