Needing Him

So I shared a bit about my crazy train last night.  Well after we went to bed for the night it just got worse and continued on into today.  He wanted to be gentle and love me out of what was going on and I needed him to be rough and to come down on me. I know that probably seems odd but it was just what I needed.  I need him to act like a bully and force me to comply to his way.  So I woke up this morning still feeling neglected and n0t cared for.  Well, I’m not sure what finally clicked in his head but after an hour and a half of the two of us arguing and accusations flying back and forth he finally just had me bend over place my hand on a table and spanked me while telling me how he had more then enough of this attitude.

So now I feel better I was in no way trying to get him to spank me at that point in fact it was the last thing I wanted yet once he did I feel so much better.

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Maintenance

This is a topic that is talked about a lot in DD circles and I   quite decided what I think about it.  There are times when J decides it is good for a period of time but we have never gone for longer then a week with daily maintenance.  We have also never done the whole once a week thing.

Well J decided we need to do a period of daily’s so every night before bed he has warmed my bottom this week now in the past I have struggled a bit with the thoughts of why bother trying to behave if I am going to get spanked anyways.  Yet this time it’s different for me.  I am not 100% sure why but it just is.  When it’s time I just lay on the bed without any of the negative thoughts instead I seem to be thinking about staying in position and showing him how much I love him by willingly submitting to it.  Now he hasn’t said anything so I don’t know if he has noticed the difference but I have noticed it.

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Crazy Train

Have you ever felt like you just took a ride on the crazy train?  I feel like I just did.  J did something tonight that really upset me now it’s something we have talked about before and he mentioned at lunch that he was thinking about it and I said okay.  Yet when I found out he did it I got very upset and some nasty things and basically got an attitude with him.

So when we got home he took me downstairs and gave me a pretty rough spanking.  Now you would have thought that would have solved the problem but NOPE!!  Then I got even worse now I got less vocal but then all of the sudden it felt like we were in this stupid power struggle with him trying to get me to follow and me try to get my way in anything I didn’t really care what I just needed to win.

Now did I win of course not but it evolved from one little thing to all of the sudden he never cares for me and I am unimportant ti him, none of which is true by the way so why did I go there?  Maybe it has to do with how much he has been working lately or my new job that I am not completley comfortable in yet? It could always be that I am just crazy?  Guess I’ll give it a little more thought the problem is now I feel awful for having taken the crazy train ride and wish I could figure out how to get off it a little quicker or better yet never get on it in the first place!

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Just feeling

So I guess the title says it all.  I’m not happy or sad or angry or frustrated I just am.  First off I think it is just the time of the year I normally really enjoy Christmas but this year not feeling it at all.  I have been feeling slightly frustrated with J for a couple of days not because he is working so much and has very little time for me.  I know that’s not an excuse to behave badly just to get attention but find my self struggling not to act like a brat.

Last night he surprised me with a night out.  He arranged a sitter for the kids and everything it was really nice and I thought the time together would fix whatever is going on with me but nope tonight he’s already swatted me for having a bad attitude.

I think part of it could be that I feel like the housework and such is completely out of control and am working very hard to get it back to where it belongs because I know it is important to him.  I worked on the house all day today and he didn’t even notice when he came home, so I wonder how important is it really to him?

The boy’s have also been fighting a lot lately and the youngest is having some issues at school and I’m not quite sure what is going on with me and I feel like such a failure as a mother.  Which has always been one of my biggest fears in life is failing as a mom.  Even very young I wanted to be a mom and not just a mom but a good one because I didn’t have one.

I guess after looking back at what I have read I realized the number one thing I seem to be feeling right now is out of control, I need structure and control and when I don’t have it I feel like I am taking a ride on the crazy train and can’t figure out how to get off!!!

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