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I know I have not written in awhile but things have been crazy in my life. With DH gone for work out of state thing began to spin slowly out of control. I began to feel lost and wasn’t sure where things were going anymore. We ended up taking a break from DD.

I have learned from the last few months that when you are made to submissive
(whether it is a deep desire rarely spoken of or something that anyone can see) when you begin to deny those feelings things will begin to spin faster and faster out of control. Things got worse and worse between until we began to wonder if it was over, if we were done.

I am so thankful for two stubborn people who love each other and refuse to give up! We began to talk and to look deeply at what was wrong and how we each were feeling. We realized that when things began to get crazy instead of stopping DD we needed to step it up. We need to become more involved in DD.

I realized that DD is one of those things in my life that I need. It grounds me and allows me to know where I belong. I know what my job is in my world and how to interact with the one I love the most. When we began to lose it I no longer felt secure. I felt like I was losing myself and that caused me to spin wildly out of control. That was because I was losing myself, why I no longer knew where I belonged. Being submissive, is part of how I was born, it is a part of who I am, so when I left it behind, I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was tossing a piece of myself out.

I know now that I can’t change it, I can’t fight it and I won’t be ashamed of it!

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2 lives

Sometimes I feel like I am leading 2 different lives.  I have my normal life the one in which I am a mother, wife friend and person and then the one in which we practice DD.  It’s a struggle at times because I wish the two lives really could become more one.  Yet I have to acknowledge the DD or any form of it is not accept at all in mainstream life.  If fact those people that are into S&M seem to get more acceptance then those that believe that a man has the right and the responsibility to discipline his wife.  DD does not define who I am yet when people learn that we practice it their opinion of me changes.  As much as I would love to say forget them, I will do and say whatever I want.  The price to pay is higher then I am willing to pay.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to say I am disciplined without people thinking I am crazy or need counseling.  I want to say I am a Bible believing mom who loves being at home with her kids, loves taking care of her family, has lots of friends, enjoys politics and yes I am disciplined!  That is who I am yet it seems in neither world I can be true to who I am.  Even in the spanking world those of us that maybe don’t do it for sexual pleasure ( though I will admit that there is a sexual side to it) don’t quite fit.  We’re seen as odd here too.  I am all of the things that I have mention and so much more.  So look out because I am here to stay and there are more of us out there then you would think.

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Taking A Look

Like almost everyone at this time of year I have been taking an inventor of my life and my goals.  I have found it funny how much I have changed in the last two years.

When we first began DD I had hoped to get to a place that I would no longer need it but I don’t think I will ever reach that place now and  am ok with that.  It’s not that I can’t handle my own life I can and do for the most part.  I do enjoy the structure of DD though and I think I will feel at a loss without it.

I know that can sound odd especially coming from someone like me.  I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself.  J doesn’t micro manage my life or my day nor do I need him to but it is nice to know that there are lines and boundaries.

In 2011 I want to work on organization, emotional stability and focus.  I know that those may sound like broad terms but in my own life I have broken them down even more.

1. Organization

• school work
• house work
• hobbies

2. Emotional stability

• Not always react based upon how I am feeling
• find my triggers and figure out how to control them

3. Hobbies

• Learn to sew
• Learn to knit

So those are the things I want to work on.

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Fascinating Womanhood

So I just got this book today and am really excited about it.  I have been wanting to read this book for awhile now even the subtitle speaks to me, How the Ideal Woman Awakens A Man’s Deepest Love and Tenderness, I love the idea of becoming his ideal woman.  I think as I read this I will be blogging about it quite a bit.  Now, this book is not necessarily CDD related but it is written with the idea of serving and submission.

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New Paddle

So we got a new paddle this week,  a friend of mine made it and out of respect for the fact that I am a girly girl she painted it pink and placed pretty butterfly’s and ladybugs on it.  I love things that show off I am a girl but this was the first time I have had a paddle that showed it.  It also creates quite a sting.  so whats your favorite implement?

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CDD and kids

So this is a big issue in most households and one with having 3 kids ourselves we have had to deal with.  We are not the kind of couple where we wait until the kids are all out of the house, we have tried and just doesn’t really work for us.  So we have to try and figure out how to do this with children. We have come up with a number of ways and I thought I would share them below.

1. Quite Implements-There are a number of implements that can produce quite a sting with relatively little noise.

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Homemaking Journal

SO I have been working on a homemaking journal to help me keep to a better schedule and more organized.  Organization is one of weaknesses and one of the things that J really wants in his home.  This is an area in which I need improvement.  I have asked him to hold me accountable in this area and he has agreed.  I have create a homemaking journal and every night will bring it to him and he will look it over and make sure I have done everything that I needed to for the day. There are also places for him to write in things that he would like to have done.

I am really hoping that this will help me with keeping the boys on track, the house neat and organized and that it will create less stress in the house.  I really want our home to be a place that J enjoys coming home to.  His refuge, his safe place.

For every item that is not done I will be spanked.  The more that are undone the more severe the spanking.  Then after the spanking I will be required to complete the tasks.

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Cool Give away

I don’t do this kind of stuff often but here is a link to a really cool give away.  You do have to be a member at fet life but it is free click here to enter contest

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Big Mistake

Okay so we have been living this life for a while and you would think I was beyond making the stupid mistakes of someone just beginning this life, but nope not me.  We have a rule that I am not to use my debit card from our joint account or write a check without talking to him first.  Last night I went online and paid a bill out of the joint account without talking to him.  When he asked me about the charge on the card I panicked and lied to him about it. I know I know stupid but I did it.  Why did I panic I’m not sure there could be a number of reasons; 1. I had just gotten a pretty bad spanking the day before and my bottom is still bruised, 2. I’m crazy, 3. I seem to be pushing my boundaries a bit.   It could any or maybe even all of those reasons but none of them is a good excuse for disobedience or dishonest in our house.

Last night after we went to bed I couldn’t sleep well and he even made a comment about the fact that I seemed withdrawn and standoffish.  About 11:00 am my conscious finally got to me and I called him and told him the truth.  I feel better for being honest even though I know I will be getting a pretty intense spanking this evening.  I also had to write him a letter explaining which of the 4D’s I had broken and why.  That was really hard and I really dislike having to do those sorts of things but I know why he has me do them because it reinforces the lesson I will be learning when he gets to paddling my bottom.

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Been Away

Sorry all for the fact that I have been away for awhile but life got busy.  Work has been crazy, in fact I have been traveling a bit.  This is the first time I have traveled since we began DD. I was interested to see how this was going to go and how I  was going to do when I didn’t have his physical presence there to remind me of my role.  It was great!  I was able to see that this has truly became a heart change for me and not one just done out of fear of a spanking.  It is such a great feeling to know that even though I was not able to see him every day I still behaved in a way that would have been pleasing to him had he been there.

We are going to do a maintence spanking tonight, just as a physical reminder of place as his wife ad of my submission to him.  When we were discussing a spanking tonight I realized how much I love him and I love our new life.

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