Back

I know I have not written in awhile but things have been crazy in my life. With DH gone for work out of state thing began to spin slowly out of control. I began to feel lost and wasn’t sure where things were going anymore. We ended up taking a break from DD.

I have learned from the last few months that when you are made to submissive
(whether it is a deep desire rarely spoken of or something that anyone can see) when you begin to deny those feelings things will begin to spin faster and faster out of control. Things got worse and worse between until we began to wonder if it was over, if we were done.

I am so thankful for two stubborn people who love each other and refuse to give up! We began to talk and to look deeply at what was wrong and how we each were feeling. We realized that when things began to get crazy instead of stopping DD we needed to step it up. We need to become more involved in DD.

I realized that DD is one of those things in my life that I need. It grounds me and allows me to know where I belong. I know what my job is in my world and how to interact with the one I love the most. When we began to lose it I no longer felt secure. I felt like I was losing myself and that caused me to spin wildly out of control. That was because I was losing myself, why I no longer knew where I belonged. Being submissive, is part of how I was born, it is a part of who I am, so when I left it behind, I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was tossing a piece of myself out.

I know now that I can’t change it, I can’t fight it and I won’t be ashamed of it!

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Mini Bootcamp

As those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know, my DH has been gone for a while with work.  This has been a hard time for both of us.  He is home right now for a visit before he has to go back.

I have slipped a lot in my language and my behavior with him gone a lot these last 6 months, so it has been decided that we will be doing a mini boot camp this weekend.  I am expected to obey immediately and not to argue with him.  We did a maintenance spanking last night and again this morning.  I am a bit sore but not to bad.  I’m sure that will change by the end of the day.

I know that I really need this time with him because last night I kept moving out of position even during the first few swats.  This is a huge sign that I am not where I should be in terms of DD.  I did do better this morning though, so maybe I’m not in as bad a place as I first thought.

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I Run To You

I love this song by Lady Antebellum

 

This is the most perfect song to describe how I feel about DH.  This morning I was having a rough morning, just every day real life things getting to me and I started crying while he was on the phone.  I try not to do this often because I know it’s hard on him because he is so far away.  Yet he was not upset at all but instead just listened and showed sympathy.

It made me think about all my friends who have “vanilla” marriages and how often I listen to them talk about how alone they feel, and the fact that their husbands are never there for them.   I feel so lucky to have a DD marriage.  I know that no matter what I can always turn to him. I may end up getting spanked because of the way I handle something or the language I use but I would never trade not having spankings in my marriage for their marriages.  I may have boundaries and rules and consequences but I also have unconditional love, safety, security, laughter and so many others things that I don’t see in a lot of “vanilla” marriages.

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Friends

I know I have blogged about the fact that some times it seems as if I live 2 lives.  That I have my DD world and life and the my normal one but I have to say that they are both who I truly am and at times I struggle with the need to keep them separate.  That being said I love when I can have a bit of an overlap.

 

This last week I was able to meet someone from my Dd life in my normal life.  It was great.  It really hit it off.  We seem to have a good number of things in common and the same way of looking at life.  I love when this happens, I love when I meet someone in RL that practices DD and we can develop a friendship.  It is nice to have people around you who understand your life and the things that happen. In addition to this they will most likely end up moving to my area so I will get to spend some time getting to know them better and hopefully have some RL friendship who are close enough to spend time with.

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My First switching

I received my first switching this last weekend. I hadn’t really done anything wrong but we needed to reconnect. We were camping so there were not a lot of options so he decided to go with a switch. I tried to talk him into just using his hand but failed miserably. Since this was the first time I had felt a switch and I wasn’t in trouble he allowed me to keep my panties up (rarely happens) and he didn’t use full force.

It still stung like the dickens!!! I have always had a fear of the belt and the switch but he had never used one before. All I know is that I hope I never have to experience one when I am in trouble. The sting was awful and the way it would wrap around and strike other parts was awful.

So I promise to be a very good girl from here on out!

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Marriage

I love being married.  I know that should be given that if you are married then you love but that’snot always the case.  Let me be a little more specific here.  I love the kind of marriage that I have.  I love the fact that he will hold me accountable for how I behave.  When I was younger, before we were married, I never thought that I would be a submissive woman.  I had bought into the ideas of feminism and female power.  I thought that to be strong I had to be loud and brash.  I believed that I always had to compete with men to prove that I was just as good as they were.  The funny thing is that in my marriage I have learned that womans strength is not if forcing her way upon her husband but in being his support.  In talking to him about her thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful manner.

 

I love knowing that there are boundaries in my marriage and consequences for overstepping them.  I have more freedom inside my DD marriage then I did outside of it.  I know now that I am just as good as any man but that my roles and place in life is different.  I am a strong woman with many dreams and desires both inside and outside of my home but now that I have fully embraced all that it means to be a woman I am at peace.

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2 lives

Sometimes I feel like I am leading 2 different lives.  I have my normal life the one in which I am a mother, wife friend and person and then the one in which we practice DD.  It’s a struggle at times because I wish the two lives really could become more one.  Yet I have to acknowledge the DD or any form of it is not accept at all in mainstream life.  If fact those people that are into S&M seem to get more acceptance then those that believe that a man has the right and the responsibility to discipline his wife.  DD does not define who I am yet when people learn that we practice it their opinion of me changes.  As much as I would love to say forget them, I will do and say whatever I want.  The price to pay is higher then I am willing to pay.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to say I am disciplined without people thinking I am crazy or need counseling.  I want to say I am a Bible believing mom who loves being at home with her kids, loves taking care of her family, has lots of friends, enjoys politics and yes I am disciplined!  That is who I am yet it seems in neither world I can be true to who I am.  Even in the spanking world those of us that maybe don’t do it for sexual pleasure ( though I will admit that there is a sexual side to it) don’t quite fit.  We’re seen as odd here too.  I am all of the things that I have mention and so much more.  So look out because I am here to stay and there are more of us out there then you would think.

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Taking A Look

Like almost everyone at this time of year I have been taking an inventor of my life and my goals.  I have found it funny how much I have changed in the last two years.

When we first began DD I had hoped to get to a place that I would no longer need it but I don’t think I will ever reach that place now and  am ok with that.  It’s not that I can’t handle my own life I can and do for the most part.  I do enjoy the structure of DD though and I think I will feel at a loss without it.

I know that can sound odd especially coming from someone like me.  I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself.  J doesn’t micro manage my life or my day nor do I need him to but it is nice to know that there are lines and boundaries.

In 2011 I want to work on organization, emotional stability and focus.  I know that those may sound like broad terms but in my own life I have broken them down even more.

1. Organization

• school work
• house work
• hobbies

2. Emotional stability

• Not always react based upon how I am feeling
• find my triggers and figure out how to control them

3. Hobbies

• Learn to sew
• Learn to knit

So those are the things I want to work on.

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Things I am pondering…

1. That people who come here of their own free feel that they have the right to judge me.

2. That they think I will change myself to please them.

3. The way I can feel so completely and utterly free while submitting to a man.

4. How funny I think it is that J’s new puppy ate the Loopy John.

5. That in my professional life, there are lots of people who listen to what I have to say and in fact work to please me and jump when I say jump, yet at home I am the one that works to please another and I love it.

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Fascinating Womanhood

So I just got this book today and am really excited about it.  I have been wanting to read this book for awhile now even the subtitle speaks to me, How the Ideal Woman Awakens A Man’s Deepest Love and Tenderness, I love the idea of becoming his ideal woman.  I think as I read this I will be blogging about it quite a bit.  Now, this book is not necessarily CDD related but it is written with the idea of serving and submission.

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