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I know I have not written in awhile but things have been crazy in my life. With DH gone for work out of state thing began to spin slowly out of control. I began to feel lost and wasn’t sure where things were going anymore. We ended up taking a break from DD.

I have learned from the last few months that when you are made to submissive
(whether it is a deep desire rarely spoken of or something that anyone can see) when you begin to deny those feelings things will begin to spin faster and faster out of control. Things got worse and worse between until we began to wonder if it was over, if we were done.

I am so thankful for two stubborn people who love each other and refuse to give up! We began to talk and to look deeply at what was wrong and how we each were feeling. We realized that when things began to get crazy instead of stopping DD we needed to step it up. We need to become more involved in DD.

I realized that DD is one of those things in my life that I need. It grounds me and allows me to know where I belong. I know what my job is in my world and how to interact with the one I love the most. When we began to lose it I no longer felt secure. I felt like I was losing myself and that caused me to spin wildly out of control. That was because I was losing myself, why I no longer knew where I belonged. Being submissive, is part of how I was born, it is a part of who I am, so when I left it behind, I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was tossing a piece of myself out.

I know now that I can’t change it, I can’t fight it and I won’t be ashamed of it!

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Mini Bootcamp

As those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know, my DH has been gone for a while with work.  This has been a hard time for both of us.  He is home right now for a visit before he has to go back.

I have slipped a lot in my language and my behavior with him gone a lot these last 6 months, so it has been decided that we will be doing a mini boot camp this weekend.  I am expected to obey immediately and not to argue with him.  We did a maintenance spanking last night and again this morning.  I am a bit sore but not to bad.  I’m sure that will change by the end of the day.

I know that I really need this time with him because last night I kept moving out of position even during the first few swats.  This is a huge sign that I am not where I should be in terms of DD.  I did do better this morning though, so maybe I’m not in as bad a place as I first thought.

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I Run To You

I love this song by Lady Antebellum

 

This is the most perfect song to describe how I feel about DH.  This morning I was having a rough morning, just every day real life things getting to me and I started crying while he was on the phone.  I try not to do this often because I know it’s hard on him because he is so far away.  Yet he was not upset at all but instead just listened and showed sympathy.

It made me think about all my friends who have “vanilla” marriages and how often I listen to them talk about how alone they feel, and the fact that their husbands are never there for them.   I feel so lucky to have a DD marriage.  I know that no matter what I can always turn to him. I may end up getting spanked because of the way I handle something or the language I use but I would never trade not having spankings in my marriage for their marriages.  I may have boundaries and rules and consequences but I also have unconditional love, safety, security, laughter and so many others things that I don’t see in a lot of “vanilla” marriages.

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2 lives

Sometimes I feel like I am leading 2 different lives.  I have my normal life the one in which I am a mother, wife friend and person and then the one in which we practice DD.  It’s a struggle at times because I wish the two lives really could become more one.  Yet I have to acknowledge the DD or any form of it is not accept at all in mainstream life.  If fact those people that are into S&M seem to get more acceptance then those that believe that a man has the right and the responsibility to discipline his wife.  DD does not define who I am yet when people learn that we practice it their opinion of me changes.  As much as I would love to say forget them, I will do and say whatever I want.  The price to pay is higher then I am willing to pay.  I want to have a normal life.  I want to say I am disciplined without people thinking I am crazy or need counseling.  I want to say I am a Bible believing mom who loves being at home with her kids, loves taking care of her family, has lots of friends, enjoys politics and yes I am disciplined!  That is who I am yet it seems in neither world I can be true to who I am.  Even in the spanking world those of us that maybe don’t do it for sexual pleasure ( though I will admit that there is a sexual side to it) don’t quite fit.  We’re seen as odd here too.  I am all of the things that I have mention and so much more.  So look out because I am here to stay and there are more of us out there then you would think.

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Taking A Look

Like almost everyone at this time of year I have been taking an inventor of my life and my goals.  I have found it funny how much I have changed in the last two years.

When we first began DD I had hoped to get to a place that I would no longer need it but I don’t think I will ever reach that place now and  am ok with that.  It’s not that I can’t handle my own life I can and do for the most part.  I do enjoy the structure of DD though and I think I will feel at a loss without it.

I know that can sound odd especially coming from someone like me.  I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself.  J doesn’t micro manage my life or my day nor do I need him to but it is nice to know that there are lines and boundaries.

In 2011 I want to work on organization, emotional stability and focus.  I know that those may sound like broad terms but in my own life I have broken them down even more.

1. Organization

• school work
• house work
• hobbies

2. Emotional stability

• Not always react based upon how I am feeling
• find my triggers and figure out how to control them

3. Hobbies

• Learn to sew
• Learn to knit

So those are the things I want to work on.

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New Paddle

So we got a new paddle this week,  a friend of mine made it and out of respect for the fact that I am a girly girl she painted it pink and placed pretty butterfly’s and ladybugs on it.  I love things that show off I am a girl but this was the first time I have had a paddle that showed it.  It also creates quite a sting.  so whats your favorite implement?

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Homemaking Journal

SO I have been working on a homemaking journal to help me keep to a better schedule and more organized.  Organization is one of weaknesses and one of the things that J really wants in his home.  This is an area in which I need improvement.  I have asked him to hold me accountable in this area and he has agreed.  I have create a homemaking journal and every night will bring it to him and he will look it over and make sure I have done everything that I needed to for the day. There are also places for him to write in things that he would like to have done.

I am really hoping that this will help me with keeping the boys on track, the house neat and organized and that it will create less stress in the house.  I really want our home to be a place that J enjoys coming home to.  His refuge, his safe place.

For every item that is not done I will be spanked.  The more that are undone the more severe the spanking.  Then after the spanking I will be required to complete the tasks.

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Rough Day

So yesterday was rough for me.  I got myself into some serious trouble with my mouth.  Then when I didn’t feel like a spanking was deserved I was less than submissive about it.  Of course in the end I was spanked and pretty badly.  I still have welts today.  I am wondering why I have such a hard time submitting when I disagree and it shows me how far I still have to go in learning to submit and for submission to be my first response.  At times I feel so frustrated that I can’t seem to get a handle on this and respond the way I know I should and the way I know that I want to.  Why does this have to be so hard?  I hate this I feel like a failure, why is my first response to fight back and to try to get my own way.  When will I just submit, even if I disagree with what is going on.   We have talked and I have agreed that discipline is when and how he thinks it is needed not when and how I think it is needed and I do fine until I feel like it is not deserved at all then the fight is on.  Sometimes I feel like I am the only woman who struggles with this.  I do know that I will continue to grow and to learn until I get this right.

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Adding a page

I have added a page to the site that lists spanking sites and blogs that I enjoy. Please take a moment to check it out. Also I will be uploading a video from Cali Cutie Spanking within the next few days please take a moment to check it out it is a good example of what a DD marriage looks like. This is a couple who truly love each other.

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Holiday Season

I just love the Christmas season even though it is very busy and hectic it is one of my favorites.  One of the things that I enjoy the most is the time that my husband and I get to spend together.  I love the extra time.  I love being able to pick out a gift that will show him just how much he means to me.  I enjoy the two weeks off from my job that allow to focus on him and to be the “housewife”  that I so desire.  I love having a good meal ready for him and a sparkling clean house.  I enjoy being a housewife and did that for many years.  For me there is nothing more satisfying then having him walk through the door at the end of the day to a good meal, all the homework done, a clean house and a wife who has nothing at all on her mind but taking care of him.  It helps me to feel so submissive knowing that my day has been spent making sure that his life is neat, orderly and calm.

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