It’s Tough Being A Woman

So I have been going through the Bible Study by Beth Moore on Esther. It has got me to think about my title. I think no matter what kind of childhood you had, who you are marry to , what your job it or how many kids you have that it is tough to be a woman.

So I thought I would like to ask the question of those that read my blog, do you think it’s tough and if so why? and if not why?

For the next few days I will share what I think is tough about it and how God wants us to handle it.

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Life

I was just thinking that if you would have asked me 5 years ago I would never had thought I would be spouting the benefits of submitting to your husband.  I also would never had guess that I would have been in the line of work I am in.  Yet I love where I am at right now.  So I guess what I am saying is that I just love life’s little surprises.  So where will 5 years who knows but I am excitied to see where it goes.

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Cutting Ties

So today I had to cut ties with someone who I thought I was close with.  They turned on me.   I am feeling kind of down over it and wishing I could have found a way to fix it.  Yet I feel very thankful that I know J is by my side.  I was thinking about all the people I have lost in my life and how before DD I worried if he would be just another one who I would lose yet now in my submission, in the moment of my greatest weakness I feel more secure then any other time.

Why is that?  Why is it that turning my will over to his allows me to feel so secure?

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Hidden Desires

So I have these thoughts running through my head for awhile now.  Though I can talk to J about anything I just can’t seem to share these so I thought maybe if I put them here it might be easier to just ask him to read them.  Warning if you are easily offended or very prudish you should probably stop reading now.

I have fantasized about a man strong and dominate for most of my life one that would love me and be gentle but also not afraid of me or my temper.  I found one.  He is not afraid to paddle my ass when it is needed and trust me they hurt and I try to avoid them.  Yet when I am alone and my mind is fantasizing I can’t help but go back them and boy I get so turned on I almost can’t stand it.  They hurt and when he decides to spank I would do anything to get out of it or get it to stop.  So why are my nipples getting hard and my pussy starting to throb just writing this?

There I times I just want him to take me throw me down and use me!  I’m not sure how else to say it I dream about him spanking me until I am an absoulte sobbing mess then spreading my ass and driving himself into it and fucking me until I can’t move just dominating me and totally owning me.  Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me and sick about me.  I can’t tell him these thoughts because what if he rejected me and them or found the whole idea disgusting.  Yet how hot would it be to have him come home tell me to go to the bathroom put me on my knees and have me suck until he was hard then bend over the sink and use me.  I even dream about him cumming but not allowing me to.  They’re is just something so appealing about the idea of him owning me, making me his.

Well I have gone on enough but barely touched the tip of the iceberg on this subject for me.  I don’t think I am BDSM oriented yet why do I dream about this so much? And will I ever get the guts to share with him?

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Just feeling

So I guess the title says it all.  I’m not happy or sad or angry or frustrated I just am.  First off I think it is just the time of the year I normally really enjoy Christmas but this year not feeling it at all.  I have been feeling slightly frustrated with J for a couple of days not because he is working so much and has very little time for me.  I know that’s not an excuse to behave badly just to get attention but find my self struggling not to act like a brat.

Last night he surprised me with a night out.  He arranged a sitter for the kids and everything it was really nice and I thought the time together would fix whatever is going on with me but nope tonight he’s already swatted me for having a bad attitude.

I think part of it could be that I feel like the housework and such is completely out of control and am working very hard to get it back to where it belongs because I know it is important to him.  I worked on the house all day today and he didn’t even notice when he came home, so I wonder how important is it really to him?

The boy’s have also been fighting a lot lately and the youngest is having some issues at school and I’m not quite sure what is going on with me and I feel like such a failure as a mother.  Which has always been one of my biggest fears in life is failing as a mom.  Even very young I wanted to be a mom and not just a mom but a good one because I didn’t have one.

I guess after looking back at what I have read I realized the number one thing I seem to be feeling right now is out of control, I need structure and control and when I don’t have it I feel like I am taking a ride on the crazy train and can’t figure out how to get off!!!

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My first post

So this is my first time doing a blog.  So I will just take some time to introduce myself.  My name is C and I have been with my husband J for 5 years.  It is a second marriage for both of us but will be our last.  From the beginning we talked about submission but it was so much easier to just talk then to put it into practice.  A few months ago we decided to take the plunge and begin a full fledge CDD relationship.  Since then the changes have been dramatic.  Yes he has spanked me and yes it has hurt and I have cried, this is in a way secondary to the way our relationship has grown.

Before this I was unsecure in our relationship, worried that he was going to leave.  I felt alone and scared.  Now please don’t get me wrong I still loved him but did not feel special to him.  He was distant and unconnected.   Now when he feels disrespected or is upset with my behavior we handle it and we put it behind us.  I now have no doubt how much he loves me and that I am the most important thing in his life.  He takes time to talk to me and to listen.  Plus I make sure he feels respected.

The reason that I have been asked to start this blog is that we want to share what we have found.  I am not here to debate my lifestyle and our choice.  I am a strong, intelligent, very successful woman.  I am not weak willed, abused, brainwashed or part of a cult.  I choose to submit to his discipline and leadership because I believe that is what the Bible says.  Not because I am weaker or in any way less.

I have no idea how often I will post.  I just want to share our journey both good and bad

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